Unfortunately, most prayer is what is called "emergency room prayers," prayer that focuses on disaster avoidance, prayer that is reduced to a safety net, a back-up, a last resort. We do prayer after we have done everything else humanly possible, when we have run out of options, and our backs are against the wall. That distorted view of prayer certainly needs correction.

On the other hand, it could be that the needed focus of prayer should be on the "how" of prayer, because a sad societal reality is, prayerlessness is part of the larger picture of modern life, so much so one is not surprised by the number of people who express their sense of unfamiliarity with prayer by readily confessing, "I don't know how to pray!" or questioning, "How do you pray?" Perhaps that's why if you walk in any religious bookstore and examine books on prayer or listen to most sermons on prayer, the emphasis seem to drive a focus on the "how"—how to pray and, even more so, how to experience effective prayer. No question, we all could benefit from discussion of the techniques of prayer. That could well be the "needed" focus. But prayer is more than a "how," a technique, a correct way of doing things.

So for me, and perhaps for others, the needed focus should be on the "why" of prayer—the heart, core and purpose of prayer. That "why" is establishing, nurturing, feeding, enhancing, and enriching my relationship with God.

Now, I need to be reminded that the "why" of prayer is not just about getting something, even though we are invited in Matthew, chapter 7, verses 7 and 8, to "Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you."

And I need to remember the "why" of prayer is not just about praising, although Psalm 106, verse 1 encourages us to, "Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever."

I need to be reminded the real "why" of prayer is relationship—an intimate relationship in which there is understanding, requesting, praising, rejoicing. The essential need is more than understanding the nature of prayer, or knowing the techniques of prayer. It is experiencing the relational reality of prayer. For in the prayer equation, the primary purpose of prayer is relationship. The "why" is more than communication, the passing or conveying of information.

It is communion.

As Clement of Alexandria commented, "Prayer is keeping company with God." More of a friendship than a discipline, more of a relationship and less of a performance. Our desire to interact with God must be the one constant, focusing on the giver, not the gift. Life teaches us that is not easy to do unless there is a vibrant, vital relationship.

God is the gift. God is the answer to our prayers. So the purpose of prayer is to heighten the quality of the relationship with God, to know him better and thus to trust him more, seeking God for spiritual communion rather than for temporal blessing. Communion with our heavenly friend is more than asking for favors, more than expressing appreciation for favors received. It is for intimacy and spiritual union, the intimacy of being alone with God with no gallery to play to, no game face on, no mask to hide behind, intimacy that is open and vulnerable. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Intimate prayer that is communion in spite of silence, darkness or what may appear to be closed doors.

You see, when we focus on the "why" the relationship of prayer, the so-called problems of prayer—questions such as "Does prayer make a difference? What's the point of praying, God doesn't seem to answer mine? God didn't heal my mother!" Those common human concerns fall from prominence into their peripheral place. The viability of prayer and our trust in God does not rise or fall on this or that desired answer.

It is natural to cry out for God's help in desperate situations. It is biblical to expect God to hear. Communion includes response, however response can mean more than getting your prayers answered. I would suggest the joy of prayer is not in the miraculous answers that may come. Rather it is in the vitality of the intimate relationship, when no words are expressed, no thoughts are pronounced, because God's presence surpasses all that our senses might declare.

So how can we reach that level of prayer intimacy?

1. Start by realizing your loving God desires your company and invites you to that intimacy. 

2. Recognize intimate relationships can only be developed by spending time.

3. Respond to the heavenly invitation of Psalm 46, verse 10: "Be still and know that I am God." Still instead of hopped up on the narcotic of pious business. Still, rejecting all intrusion, noisiness, anxious thoughts, or even self-consciousness.

4. Meditate on God, informed by scripture.

Then rejoice in the needed focus on prayer, the relationship that testifies:

"I come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses,
And the voice I hear falling on my ear,
The Son of God discloses.

"And he walks with me
And he talks with me,
And he tells me I am his own.
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known."

Father, may we know that joy. Amen.

Benjamin Reaves: It is. Sometimes those of us who are in professions where we pray—we pray publicly, we pray for people—need to be reminded that the purpose of prayer is not the petition, it’s not the praise, but it is the relationship that it builds. That is what is lifted up in that song.

Talbot: The relationship and the intimacy, as you point out, with God.

Reaves: Correct.

Talbot: Many people tend to pray in a superficial way, as though God were some kind of a magician. What can we learn, how can we sensitize people to pray for things that are not shallow?

Reaves: That’s, I think, one of the things that can grow out of the relationship. When you spend time with someone, you learn to be more meaningful and substantiative in your dialogue. But if we are just coming to God as a short order cook or someone at a supermarket or some phone answering service, we do tend to fall back on the shallow, mundane things. But, again, we need to keep primary that it’s getting to know him, his getting to know me.

Talbot: You referred to what you called "emergency room" prayers. Say more about that because in an emergency, people do have a tendency to call for help, to call on God for help. What’s the difference between praying for strength for the journey and for healing or a quick fix?

Reaves: I think there is a commonality that is quite appropriate in praying for healing and also praying for a solution to an emergency situation. The concern that I have is if all of our prayers are only that way, only "God, I need you!," then we will find that the substance of the relationship, that I am suggesting ought to be paramount, will begin to die.

Talbot: The knowledge that others are praying for you is a critical part of the healing process. Was that important for you when you had your heart attack?

Reaves: Big time importance to know that there are those who were lifting me up!

Talbot: And you have lifted us up today, Benjamin Reaves. Thank you so much.